Local Man Using Trip Abroad To Pick-Up Chicks
CHICAGO - Paul Brockmeyer, a largely untraveled computer-jockey, has
been using highlights from his recent trip overseas in a effort to attract
members of the opposite sex.
Brockmeyer wasted little time putting his experiences to work. Shortly after entering US airspace, he was rejected by 4 fellow travelers, 2 flight attendants, a baggage handler, and the woman scooping ice cream at the International Terminal's Baskin Robins.
"Birds dig blokes that travel..." Brockmeyer pleaded with painful use of appropriated foreign lingo. "I mean, [expletive deleted], look at this beard -- it screams adventure!" Based on early responses, however, it clearly screamed "sloppy child molester" or "second-rate agent of terror."
His friends weren't surprised. "What a pathetic [expletive deleted]. I've got a hundred bucks that says his 'Himalayan Trekking' adventure consisted of walking, in his [expletive deleted] underwear, from his couch to the fridge between re-runs of 7th Heaven."
The approach has not been paying off. When questioned about the lack of results, he became withdrawn ... "Uh, well ... I'm still perfecting my pitch, but they'll come around." Failure to properly pronounce most of his destinations isn't helping the effort either.
As we left Brockmeyer, he was en route to Starbucks in hopes of hitting it off with some chai-drinking girls.
Software Developer Suffers From
'Local-Boy-Makes-Good' Complex
CHICAGO - Paul Brockmeyer, a small-time real estate software developer, has been afflicted with a debilitating superiority complex. Brockmeyer, who's held his job for nearly two consecutive years, has been toting his minor successes a little too highly.
Coming from a small town in rural Missouri, Brockmeyer grew up a self-proclaimed "big picture thinker." Feeling limited by the rural environment, he "escaped" to the "big city."
In winter of 2001, coming off a long stint of unemployment, Brockmeyer started a software company to help "underprivileged" commercial real estate brokers. Sources say that after two years of "haphazardly slapping the software together with duck-tape," it's no wonder that the venture has yet to turn a profit. Seemingly oblivious of fact and reality, Brockmeyer refuses to call the company anything but a raging success, selflessly citing the devotion of his coworkers, which he repeatedly refereed to as "my bitches." When questioned about the lack of revenue, Brockmeyer responded belligerently: "What the [expletive deleted] are you talking about? You obviously have no idea how to run a [expletive deleted] business."
He continued, "not just anyone can make real estate software, it takes a special ... uh ... a finely-tuned intellect and ... well, it's just not that easy." Coworkers fearfully declined to comment on Brockmeyer's expertise.
Upon returning to his hometown for a visit last Christmas, Brockmeyer was observed strolling around "like he owned the place." Locals commented, "This kid was packing a powerful ego." Despite the unproven success, Brockmeyer actually lobbied to have the town's Main Street renamed in his honor. "These people need a role model, someone to show them how to amount to something, how to get out of this crummy little town and make lives for themselves."
We took our leave of Brockmeyer as he was being chased down the street by several locals brandishing baseball bats. We can only assume they wanted to hear more details regarding his "rise to greatness."
Local Bum Thinks of Himself as Misunderstood Prodigy
CHICAGO - Paul Brockmeyer, an unemployed Lakeview resident, has been attempting to convince his friends and family that he's a brilliant entrepreneur. Brockmeyer, unemployed for the past year, has spent it lying around in his underwear, downloading mp3's while claiming to be working on several very important and potentially successful start-up companies.
Seemingly ignorant of the dot-com crash, Brockmeyer maintains that at least one of his companies will achieve "infinite glory, crushing all competitors swiftly and mercilessly!" When asked how exactly he planned to accomplish this, he began barking like a dog. "Woof, woof, woof!"
As for the projects themselves, getting such information out of Brockmeyer was near impossible. "It's hard to explain the projects," he whispered "they're very ... complex and you probably wouldn't understand." He then continued to babble on about elementary physics, the mating habits of geese and other unrelated topics. Coworkers describe Brockmeyer as an "average programmer, with an above-average ego," and guessed that his projects were ultimately wastes of time.
His friends aren't buying it either. We spoke with his roommate, Jeff Mercer, who had the following to say about Brockmeyer and his projects: "I don't know what the hell he's doing, but if you could make money looking at porn, Brock would be a [expletive deleted] millionaire!"
When questioned about his steadily deteriorating financial situation, Brockmeyer claimed to have everything under control. "I could get a consulting job any time I wanted ... and I would, but I can't stand office politics." says Brockmeyer. Sources close to Brockmeyer are tired of him bumming food and clothing. "This guy is full of [expletive deleted]," contributed an anonymous source "he needs to stop with the idealistic [expletive deleted], sack up and get a [expletive deleted] job."
While he has yet to be thrown out on the street, it seems it is only a matter of time.